If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

I was commuting into the city today when a beautiful young woman from Kenya sat down next to me. You should know that I am the kind of person who likes to mind my own business on the train. I’m sure it’s nice to strike up conversations and make new friends, but that pleasure is not for me on a typical weekday morning. However this morning, the girl who sat next to me wanted to talk. And talk she did.

She struck up a conversation about whatever. Nothing important really, until she looked down at my ring and said, “Are you married?” (Now she had my attention!)
I said with excitement, “No, I’m not married. But I will be in 17 days!”

Well, that’s all she needed - For the next 20 minutes, this woman who I have never met before in my life went on and on and on about how much marriage sucks.

“Marriage is different than dating,” she said. “There is no way out. Even if you want to leave, you can’t. You have to do everything your husband tells you to do even if you don’t want to. Make dinner, fold laundry, clean the house, work and take care of the kids when you have ‘em. And the romance is gone. When you have a relationship before a wedding, you will be courted – not during marriage. In marriage you have nothing romantic happen to you. And if you get mad at him? Or the two of you get into an argument? There’s no escape. You can’t leave or walk away – not even for a second - he’s always there. And so are you. If you do take a moment to yourself, during that time of anger, even just to breathe, that’s when he’ll start cheating on you!”

Now, as a woman of the 21st century – and someone who is SUPER pumped to walk down the aisle, I resent that.

I resent that she doesn’t know me and would take the liberty to unload on me like that.

I resent the fact that she thinks my relationship is just like hers and all marriages are alike.

I resent that she’s talking about Cisco like that and yet not talking about him at all.

I resent that she didn’t consider the positivity and optimism that a bride-to-be feels going into her wedding day, and yet the stress and nerves that no doubt come along with it.

I take issue with the fact that she didn’t back the hell off!

I learned that this woman was 28 – one year older than me – and has been married for four years. I didn’t even want to know her name, let alone her philosophy on marriage and why hers was so obviously miserable.

Suddenly I found myself defending Cisco and myself. “Um, I’m pretty sure that I could leave the room or the house whenever I wanted to during an argument or a very happy day for that matter. We’ll always come back to each other, and to walk away does not give the license to cheat. Certainly we are allowed to be mad at times without throwing in the towel and losing all respect for each other. Also, we are an equal partnership. Neither one of us HAS to do anything we don’t want to do. The reason we’re entering into this union is because we complement each other. We’re good for each other. We do have lasting romance and we make each other better people.”

I don’t know why I fed into her, or why I felt the need to even respond. But I was angry. And protective. Because she didn’t even know us. And damn it, I’m looking forward to marrying him! Who is she?

So I asked her, “Do you have any positive things to say about marriage? In fact, name one good thing that’s happened to you since you’ve been married!’

She couldn’t.

And then I realized, who cares what she thinks? I am not her and she is not me.

Opinion or fact, right or wrong, it’s just plain rude to throw your own baggage on someone else. Whether it’s politics, family values, religion or thoughts on life and love, my mother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Especially about marriage to a woman who is getting married in 17 freakin’ days! Damn it.



(*** And to change the mood, here's a pretty picture taken by my photographer, Jason Messer, in the church we're getting married in just about two weeks from now.)