If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

I was commuting into the city today when a beautiful young woman from Kenya sat down next to me. You should know that I am the kind of person who likes to mind my own business on the train. I’m sure it’s nice to strike up conversations and make new friends, but that pleasure is not for me on a typical weekday morning. However this morning, the girl who sat next to me wanted to talk. And talk she did.

She struck up a conversation about whatever. Nothing important really, until she looked down at my ring and said, “Are you married?” (Now she had my attention!)
I said with excitement, “No, I’m not married. But I will be in 17 days!”

Well, that’s all she needed - For the next 20 minutes, this woman who I have never met before in my life went on and on and on about how much marriage sucks.

“Marriage is different than dating,” she said. “There is no way out. Even if you want to leave, you can’t. You have to do everything your husband tells you to do even if you don’t want to. Make dinner, fold laundry, clean the house, work and take care of the kids when you have ‘em. And the romance is gone. When you have a relationship before a wedding, you will be courted – not during marriage. In marriage you have nothing romantic happen to you. And if you get mad at him? Or the two of you get into an argument? There’s no escape. You can’t leave or walk away – not even for a second - he’s always there. And so are you. If you do take a moment to yourself, during that time of anger, even just to breathe, that’s when he’ll start cheating on you!”

Now, as a woman of the 21st century – and someone who is SUPER pumped to walk down the aisle, I resent that.

I resent that she doesn’t know me and would take the liberty to unload on me like that.

I resent the fact that she thinks my relationship is just like hers and all marriages are alike.

I resent that she’s talking about Cisco like that and yet not talking about him at all.

I resent that she didn’t consider the positivity and optimism that a bride-to-be feels going into her wedding day, and yet the stress and nerves that no doubt come along with it.

I take issue with the fact that she didn’t back the hell off!

I learned that this woman was 28 – one year older than me – and has been married for four years. I didn’t even want to know her name, let alone her philosophy on marriage and why hers was so obviously miserable.

Suddenly I found myself defending Cisco and myself. “Um, I’m pretty sure that I could leave the room or the house whenever I wanted to during an argument or a very happy day for that matter. We’ll always come back to each other, and to walk away does not give the license to cheat. Certainly we are allowed to be mad at times without throwing in the towel and losing all respect for each other. Also, we are an equal partnership. Neither one of us HAS to do anything we don’t want to do. The reason we’re entering into this union is because we complement each other. We’re good for each other. We do have lasting romance and we make each other better people.”

I don’t know why I fed into her, or why I felt the need to even respond. But I was angry. And protective. Because she didn’t even know us. And damn it, I’m looking forward to marrying him! Who is she?

So I asked her, “Do you have any positive things to say about marriage? In fact, name one good thing that’s happened to you since you’ve been married!’

She couldn’t.

And then I realized, who cares what she thinks? I am not her and she is not me.

Opinion or fact, right or wrong, it’s just plain rude to throw your own baggage on someone else. Whether it’s politics, family values, religion or thoughts on life and love, my mother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Especially about marriage to a woman who is getting married in 17 freakin’ days! Damn it.



(*** And to change the mood, here's a pretty picture taken by my photographer, Jason Messer, in the church we're getting married in just about two weeks from now.)

No Concept of Time

Talking to my good friends in California has been different. Good, but different. After all, we are no longer on the same time zone! And that is not as basic as it sounds.

As I hung up the phone with Sarah tonight, I just about wished her sweet dreams before I realized that it's 6:45 pm over here and getting darker by the second - yet it's only 3:45 pm over there and she was just about to head out to do laundry. I think this is partly a result of me feeling tired all the time and ready to fall asleep at the drop of a dime, combined with the fact that I have no concept of Eastern Standard Time versus Pacific Standard Time - something I always swore I would be keenly aware of. After getting one too many calls at 7 am from my beloved friends in Jersey, I knew I'd always know better. And now I don't. For shame!

So Sarah, Judi, Maytal, Brittany and all my other West Coast girls, in seven to eight hours when you settle down for the night and wind down before bed, feel free to call me at 2:00 am to say goodnight! :)

Bad Blogger, Bad Dreams

I’m a bad blogger. The worst, actually. I haven’t written in so long and that’s solely because I don’t seem to have the time or patience to sit down and post something. And I don’t know why I feel the need to write some big story when a blog is simply a train of thought. An observation. A matter of fact. None of those things need to be drawn out!

So from here until my wedding day (27 days to be exact), I am making a commitment to blog on a consistent basis – even if I end up with three unrelated sentences slapped up on the computer screen. Because there’s a LOT on my mind at the moment and I used to find this therapeutic. It just might be exactly what I need right now.

Let me start this entry by filling in the blanks: In the months that have gone by, Cisco has moved home and we have gotten ourselves an AWESOME apartment that we are happy as clams in, I have gone away for my very fabulous bachelorette party (thank you ladies!), work is still rockin and rollin, money’s still tight and I am starting to FEEL the stress of all of that’s happening around me.

This time is filled with the most heightened sense of excitement we’ve ever had in our lives, but now we’re getting down to the wire and quite honestly, things that I did not think would worry me are bothering the shit out of me.

Seriously, you would not believe the stuff I’m worried about. The normal but tedious things? Hotel reservations, flights from Cali, hair trials, RSVP cards, rain or shine forecasts, groomsman tuxedo fittings (please go get them if you haven’t!), final payments, head counts, the way my dress fits and seating assignments to name a few.

But the things that snuck up on me – the things that I didn’t think a girl like me would even think of – oh, they’re even better! I actually had a dream that a good number of people forgot to show up on the day of the wedding. Yep, like RSVP’d yes, filed the invitation away and forgot to come! I’m also concerned about the smoothness, or lack smoothness, of my up-do, Deacon Joe’s vow-style and the drug wars in Mexico.

When it comes down to it, I am well aware that the heart of the matter is that Cisco and I are getting married and committing ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. And that’s the beautiful thing. That’s the one that can’t get messed up if it rains, or if something doesn’t fit right. It’s something that will still happen if one of our guests reserves their hotel room too late to get the group rate or someone else doesn’t bring a guest who said they were going to (or the other way around).

However, in the craziness that is life lately, it sometimes becomes necessary to slow down and think of that beauty at the core of it all – and it’s hard. But I have to do it. Because it’s the only thing that settles my nerves and the only thing that levels me out. And if all else fails, and Cisco and I just can’t calm each other down, we’ll do the thing that hasn’t failed us yet: Play a little game called “What are you going to drink on the honeymoon?” … that ALWAYS works.

Here I am.

Isn’t it a shame that I haven’t had a chance to update this blog since the day before I got to New Jersey? I’ll answer that, it is! Even though I sit on a train for two hours back and forth to work every day, I still haven’t had the time or energy to write about my personal experiences. And maybe I didn’t want to, because I didn’t feel ready.

Very honestly, there’s no way I can capture everything that’s happened in the meantime and I’m not going to try. But I will say this … it’s been nuts. Really, really nuts. Some alternative words to describe my time back East so far include: Crazy, Overwhelming, Busy, Hard, Exciting, Nerve-racking, Frustrating, Happy, Sad, Too busy to stand and Taxing.

It’s been more difficult than I thought it was going to be. My commute is long but I don’t want to live in the city. I’m missing Cisco and worrying about him a lot. Money issues put up a good fight and I’ll admit, I’m feeling defeated. Work has been super hectic and ‘me time’ has been nonexistent. My GPS broke, so I get lost wherever I go. And I have new bags under my eyes that are not my favorite accessory.
Do you feel sorry for me yet? Well, please don’t. You shouldn’t.

The fact is, I’m in the middle of a huge transition and yes, it’s hard. But you know what? There are harder things in life. And there are people lifting me up along the way.

Mom and dad have been awesome – I feel like I am coming back after college and although they were comfortable in their calm empty nest, they are willing to put up with all of my ‘baggage’ once again. Twenty dollars here, a ride back and forth there, a garage full of boxes and tons of laundry later, they don’t skip a beat. And I’m really grateful for that.

Also, since I’ve joined the Newcomb family, my new roommates have been nothing short of amazing. When I arrived, they had banners and balloons at the door of my room that read ‘Welcome Home.’ They’re still up. Not only does Jamie go out of her way to make me feel like I’m one of them (she literally makes me dinner, saves me leftovers and sometimes she even packs my lunch), but Sean does too. And I’m sure that’s not easy. I’m the long lost best friend who wants to watch Bride Wars, go to kick-boxing and have girl talk with his wife all the time – that has to suck for him! But he’s been an absolute trooper - grilling out, picking me up from the train station and grocery shopping as a trio. Last week, after a particularly tough day, I came home to the two of them holding a glass of wine with my name on it and serving up cheese, crackers and hummus. Honestly, they’re too much. (But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.)

And as for the rest of my besties, they’ve been simply outstanding too. From Stacy, Nancy and Jamie treating me to pizza when the well had run dry after our road trip and my ‘posse’ in Cali checking up on me like it’s their job, to Chelsea bringing Meatball presents as to not leave the little one out and Diana tucking me in on her couch because I couldn’t muster up a mere conversation at 9pm on a Saturday, they are my saviors. Today is just the 17th day I’ve been home and already I’ve gotten to celebrate Aunt Patty’s 50th b-day with my favorites, spend Mother’s Day with my entire family (great grandmother included), have margaritas with the girls and continue the party at an old local bar with Di and hold my new nephew Marco while he toots on me. I've been lucky enough to lounge around on a Friday night with friends, go ‘Mother of the Bride’ dress shopping with the lady herself and introduce my dog to his new cousin Tank. And finally, I've reconnected with those I haven’t seen in forever and had the great pleasure of eatting my mom and future mom-in-law’s home cooking until I could just barf – in a good way.

THESE are the things I came home for.

Now, the only problem is that I am missing my other half ... and when he does get home, things will probably move so fast toward the wedding that our heads will spin out of control.

But I hope we stop and enjoy this time. Because as nuts as it is right now, it’s life … and we’ll never get to do it again. So I’ll try to keep my end of the bargain and appreciate every bit of it, even when my train is stuck in the middle of a 90 minute ‘traffic delay’ – like now.

Delightful Delirium

I think when Green Day said, 'My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed, dried up and bulging out my skull,' they were on their third day of a road trip across the country.

Actually, today wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday. Yesterday we drove for over 13 hours and today was a mere 11. I scoff at 11 hours!

At this point though, I will say all of my emotions about coming or going, have faded into 'let's just get where we're going for God's sake.' And then at the same time I think, at least I'm not sitting in front of my computer at the office. This is a nice change.

Speaking of changes, we changed states a lot today. I rode through Sarah's, Robert's and Judi's home state one right after another, all in one day - Illinois, Indiana and Ohio. Shout out to those three, as I've seen extraordinary things in each one of your birthplaces. In Illinois I saw a buffet in a gas station, in Indiana I saw a sheriff's office in a convenience store and in Ohio I saw a sign that let us know if you hit a road worker, you will receive up to 10 years in jail.





Also, you should know that I had an eye opening revelation today and have invented and predicted a national trend: Customized GPS devices that speak to their owners in an accent from the town in which they're from - the dialect is one individuals can not only understand, but relate to. Therefore, my (South Jersey) GPS device may not say 'go forward to Route 73,' but instead, 'ga'head to route 73.' This concept was born out of boredom and can work for anyone, from anywhere. Think about it...

Overall, I'm loving the adventure and wouldn't trade it for the world. But one thing I do hate is the limited time I get to talk to Cisco, because of the spotty service in and out, as well as the time change - coupled with the inability to sleep until after 5 am. All that said, I will think back on this one day and remember it fondly ... as the time our car smelled like sweat for four days straight. And until that time, I'm glad I have this blog to jot down the details. It's been awesome.

Tomorrow: Jersey!

Toto, We are Not in Kansas Anymore ... Thank God!

Today Meatball let us know that he was officially on a hunger strike. He refused to eat or sleep since before we left California. At first we were unsure if that was the stand he was really taking, but by the time we rolled out of Grand Junction, CO pre-sunrise and had failed to sleep a solid hour because the dog was on neighborhood watch, we knew he was serious. Then, I slipped him a roofie and he slept from sun up to sun down.



In other news, the majority of our Colorado drive happened today. It was stunning. We drove most of the time next to the Colorado River and stopped to take in the view at Vail (home of Trista and Ryan, the only successful Bachelor couple in Bachelor history - the couple who beat each other, get arrested, make-up and repeat,don't count.) The area just got about two feet of snow and it was CHILLY. Really crazy to think that yesterday we were in Vegas at 92 degrees and now we were standing in snow up to our waist at a temperature of 39!




As we drove by what is probably the most beautiful part of the U.S., we soon found ourselves suprised by the impending state of mind numbing boredom ... the state of Kansas. Frankly, I'm not even going to waste time describing it but basically it's long, it's desolate and it's flat. I don't even know who built the roads we were driving on, as the population seems too slim to support a solid workforce (now I'm being a little harsh, but you get the point). However, although there are no actual citizens in sight for 400+ miles, there are police - a lot of them. One of which pulled us over for going 84 in a 75 and gave us a 130.00 ticket. He was lovely. As he proceeded to tell my father, a fellow officer who showed credentials, that he could call the Kansas Courthouse and 'jump through some hoops' to avoid getting points added to his record, he smiled warmly. That's right, he was a real doll.

And with that, six hours later, we left the hell-hole that is Kansas and entered the land of my grandfather, my mom's dad: Missouri.

Life is a Series of Hellos and Goodbyes ...

And as Billy Joel said, it's time to say goodbye again. Day one of the road trip back East has come to an end, and within the last 24 hours I have not even been able to keep up with my raging emotions. Bittersweet times: the understatement of the year.

As I said goodbye to everyone last night and my fiance this morning, I couldn't shake the sadness. And when I drove away at 5:30 am (because that's how I do on road trips), I was reminded of my ride out to California almost five years ago.

The trip was comprised of four days with three friends who talked the entire time, about quite literally, everything under the sun. I think we listened to music for a total of one hour and the rest of the time we gabbed. We talked about things that in our years of friendship, we had never touched on before. There was so much laughter you'd think I was lying, and even one conversation that ended in an argument ... and then tears. (Girls. I know.)

But I was on a mission in August of 2004. I had met a boy when I visited the state to sign my lease one month before and I was SUPER anxious to spend time with him again. (How funny that half a decade later I'm driving home to set-up our apartment for us before we get married!)

Jamie recently told me that she remembers the exact moment she, Di and Stacy left me at LAX. I remember it too - I dropped them off after an amazing week together, one that actually felt like a girls vacation - and then reality set in. Each of them standing outside my smurf blue VW Jetta, and me facing them. Suddenly the fact that this wasn't a fun filled girlie getaway occured to me ... and what's worse, that they were going their way, and I was going mine.

I felt something similar last night. And this morning I went my way, and my friends went theirs. But we didn't really. Because in LA, you can't get by if your friends DON'T become your family ... and if you're lucky, they gladly assume that very real role you need to be filled to be okay away from home. Yes, in my friends out West, I found family. Every holiday, birthday, weekend or day by the pool, we had each other - and that meant a lot. I won't be falling asleep on Friday nights while I have them over as house guests anymore, but I will be thinking of them often. And certainly looking forward to the next time I get to hone my narcoleptic skills with them again, in WHATEVER part of the country, soon.

On a much lighter and far less descriptive note, the ride itself has been awesome. It actually lifted my mood taking in the scenery and being fortunate enough to do it with my father. Dad, Meatball and I left California before the sun rose, moved on to Nevada and passed through Vegas, crossed into Arizona and drove for awhile in Utah and ended up in Colorado. Utah was so impressive that there were times I let out gasps. It was unbelievable and I can't wait to share the pictures that will do it no absolutely justice. In the mean time, here are some impromptu cell phone pictures that are less about America's beauty and more about my dog's unhappiness and my signs from Cisco.

Day two, here we come!